The Professional Satisfaction Of Knowing -- And Following -- The Rules

Greetings. Isn't it gratifying to find a kindred spirit who shares your obsession, particularly if that intensity is foreign to most people -- to know that you're not alone? That's what happened recently when I teamed up in Los Angeles with a gentleman named Dan Strohl to teach The Graduate School course "Clear Writing Through Critical Thinking" for some 30 inspectors and auditors in the Inspector General's Office of a large federal agency. There we were, eagerly passing on tips and finding common ground on a subject that would make adults look back less than fondly on high school. I'm talking about grammar, or, to use a less intimidating phrase, "language conventions."

In one classroom exercise after another, we bandied about the nuances of the vast treasure house of symbols that is the English language. Most important, we left our participants with the clear impression that professionals who write effectively can develop their own styles, but only after they've got a sure feel for the "rules of the road," without which they risk alienating or confusing the busy reader. The best part was that those high-achieving IG types seemed to get a kick out of the drill.

Solutions to "You Try It"

In the world of business writing, I've come across a few language conventions that are often honored in the breach by even otherwise intelligent adults. Here they are, and I've left the correct response up to you. Fill them in if you like, and I'll supply my solutions next month.

Sentence forms

Simple Sentence: "The boy struck the ball."

Compound sentence (two independent clauses): "The president is waiting for the bill, but the House has not acted on it yet."

Complex sentence (includes a subordinate clause): "The tall boy in the blue trousers struck the ball and the rock at the same time."

Run-on sentences: "Oil companies must explore for oil continually that is how they make money."

CORRECT: "Oil companies must explore for oil continually in order to make money." OR: "Oil companies must explore for oil continually; that is how they make money."

Comma splices: "Oil companies are part of our economy, they employ thousands of people."

CORRECT: "Oil companies are part of our economy. They employ thousands of people." OR: "Since they employ thousands of people, oil companies are part of our economy."

Transitions

The goals are internal logic and flow. Join thoughts/sentences such as:

"The match combined speed and strength. The forwards dashed around their opponents. The fullbacks counted on muscle to boot the ball a long way."

CORRECT: "The match combined speed and strength as the forwards dashed around their opponents and the fullbacks counted on muscle to boot the ball a long way."

Economy of words

"In accordance with the previously announced instructions, the administrative assistants went through all the papers and separated them into three categories."

CORRECT: "The administrative assistants separated the papers into three categories." OR: "Following instructions, the administrative assistants separated the papers into three categories."

"For your guidance and information, enclosed herewith are several forms of the aforementioned documents."

CORRECT: "Here are several forms of the documents."

Improve on "Until such time as..."When
"In view of the fact that..." Because
"On the occasion of..."When
"...in the amount of..."for
"...along the lines of..."like
"In the event that..."If

Prepositional phrases

Identify the preposition(s) and circle the ones that are essential to the meaning of the sentence:

"The road to the woods is long and winding."

CORRECT: As is

 

"The outcome of the game was a tie between the two teams."

CORRECT: "The game ended in a tie." OR: "The outcome was a tie."

Passive versus active voice

The strongest way of writing is active ("The boy kicked the ball.") instead of passive ("The ball was kicked by the boy.").

"Mr. Roberts was given a commendation by the agency."

CORRECT: "The agency gave Mr. Roberts a commendation."

"Mistakes were made when junior officers in the base commander's office failed to read all of the instructions."

CORRECT: "Junior officers in the base commander's office made mistakes when they failed to read all the instructions."

"The coolant pumps were destroyed by a surge of power, and the repairs were effected by a team of contractor technicians."

CORRECT: "A team of contractor technicians repaired the coolant pumps, which had been destroyed by a surge of power." OR: "A surge of power destroyed the coolant pumps, which had to be repaired by contractor technicians."

Incorrect modifiers

"After passing my driving test, the DMV official gave me my license."

CORRECT: "After I passed my driving test, the DMV official gave me my license." OR: "The DMV official gave me my license after I passed my driving test."

Clichés and jargon

"With all hands on deck, this unit will exercise due diligence to find the low-hanging fruit early in the process and continue to think outside the box."

CORRECT: "We must all work hard and think creatively."

 

"Past history suggests that the aforementioned plan will negatively impact performance."

CORRECT: ”Experience shows that that plan will impair performance."

 

"Now that our backs are against the wall, the acid test will be to begin the solution-oriented process by viewing our issues from 30,000 feet."

CORRECT: "To address this urgent matter, we must begin with an overall view."

 

"To make a long story short, there's more here than meets the eye, but to be perfectly aboveboard about this, we all have to see eye to eye and exercise appropriate caution to make sure that our competitors don't surprise us with a shot across the bow."

CORRECT: "Let's work together and take pains to avoid being surprised by our competitors."

Weak, "smothered" verbs

"Finalization of the formal discussions has been effected, and we have come to the determination to take immediate action."

CORRECT: "We've come up with a plan and now it's time to act."

Adopting a conversational style

"Projects are customized based on client needs. Due diligence services range from initial validation of targets to detailed on-site due diligence visits to the preparation of complete integration plans. Management consulting services, aimed at enhancing organizational effectiveness, are typically intensive studies that identify cost-saving opportunities and define appropriate actionable go-forward plans. Strict confidentiality is maintained for all engagements."

CORRECT: "The clients' needs always come first. We will help you set goals during our visits, then study your management and organizational effectiveness with an eye to cost-efficient improvement. As always, we maintain strict confidentiality."

Tone

"I'm getting tired of not knowing whether you people are getting my requests by email. All I ask is that you acknowledge receipt. Is that too much to ask?"

CORRECT: "When I send out emails, please let me know that you've received them."

"This report that you are about to read has been edited several times by ranking Navy civilians who have never served aboard a surface warship. Please read it with that caveat in mind."

 

CORRECT: "Please read this report with the understanding that it has been edited by senior Navy civilians who lack surface warship experience."

"I will address the issue in the attached memo as soon as I can, but I want to make it clear that said issue arose before I was assigned here."

CORRECT: "This memo concerns an issue that is new to me, so please give me until Friday to address it."

From vague to concrete

"The admiral wants the report soon."

CORRECT: "The admiral wants the report by noon this Friday."

“The anomalies that led to the degraded condition of the system were systemic, according to the report.”

CORRECT: "The system has had those sensor reliability problems since it entered full-scale development, according to the report."

"The Congressional aide on the subcommittee that's responsible for R&D on black programs wants to know more about the projected time line."

CORRECT: "The aide on the Congressional subcommittee that's responsible for R&D on black programs wants to know if we can respond to his request for an update on Program X by June 10."

Rewriting for simplicity and clarity

"As mentioned three paragraphs above, training requirements for operators of the new radar will need to be updated at the earliest possible time, taking account of available time slots in the simulator as well as availability of instructors (not forgetting that many are on leave now), plus someone -- the deputy CO? -- will have to approve any changes. Then at that juncture, the Training Office will have to make timely decisions about the necessity of moving the operators to be trained out of their operational units, not forgetting also that they have leave requirements as well, especially with the holidays due to arrive in the near future."

CORRECT: "So we have to update training requirements for operators of the new radar as soon as possible, moving them out of their units and scheduling simulator time and instructors. Please find out which senior officer has to approve any changes, and keep in mind any leave requirements, particularly with the holidays approaching."

Facing Up To Facebook

So this is what all the excitement is about, huh? Knowing that someone has decided to make waffles instead of frying eggs on a snowy New England morning. Or reading that someone loves her children with such aching depth of feeling that she just has to proclaim it to her ever-expanding audience.

I got started on Facebook a few months ago because I was told it can be a fine marketing tool. I'm still getting there, and the possibilities are starting to emerge. My plan is to exchange ideas with people who care about and have a professional interest in business communications and the role of the news media in marketing and crisis communications. I'll keep you posted.

 

Take care,
Dave

Rebirth of a Blog

Back and forth I’ve gone on all this “social media” business, and I’m a long way from making up my mind. Somehow the notion of “tweeting” hasn’t quite penetrated my thinking when it comes to serious and productive marketing. But I am reintroducing my blog. Why I let it slip I don’t know, but I do recall that it made for relaxed and stimulating conversation. Please join me at http://www.businesscommunications.wordpress.com, and react by sounding off on anything touching on business communications, presentation skills and writing skills, and all their promise and pitfalls. I'll continue to share what I know about the news media and how you can gain from press encounters, as well as writing and public speaking for success.